Under The Knife
by monkeygirl77
Summary: It had been nearly a month since he was brought back here, half dead and both wrists covered in swaths of bandages, his brothers looking at him like he was some sort of freak. The blade, the blood, it made everything just that much better. Now, if only Lucifer could finish it for good.


_**WARNING: MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM AND SUICIDE ATTEMPT, IF YOU FEEL AS IF YOU WOULD BE TRIGGERED BY SUCH THINGS AND/OR ARE UNCOMFORTABLE READING SUCH WRITINGS PLEASE TURN BACK, I DON'T WANT ANYTHING BAD TO HAPPEN TO ANY OF YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE, I LOVE YOU ALL TOO MUCH!**_

 **Also, if you do ever have thoughts like these I urge you to seek help, these are serious topics and should not be kept hidden. You are beautiful and worth so much more then you think you are, and if you don't feel comfortable to tell someone close and personal to you I urge you to PM me and we can totally talk, this is a situation I myself have been in and know what it feels like to be so completely broken you can't think of anything else to stop them pain.**

 **It's not true, it may not seem like it, but the sun does come out and everything does get better!**

* * *

'I _have always loved the flowers and the birds, loved the sunlight and the clouds that drift by. I have always loved the way leaves move in the breeze and the soft whispering sound they make, like nature loves to chatter too. Yet the tiredness that begun a while ago remains like a veil over my skin, grey and cold. And as I watch the petals and the twigs that sway outside the window, there is only a creeping sorrow where there should be joy. It sits like November rain on my skin, enough to chill what was once warm inside. At any other time I would have called a friend, asked for the warmth I needed to ward it off, just a little is enough._

 _No longer._

 _Now I just let it come, drop by drop and I feel like it is an ocean falling upon me instead of rain-that grief of years I carefully suspended has all condensed right above my head into a cloud large enough to block the sun._

 _They say it can't rain forever, that there will come a time when it must cease, that the last drop will have fallen._

 _Thing is, I just don't care. I will still be true to myself, still help others, but I plan to just stay here in the cold, comfortably numb.'_

"Luci?"

A knock on the door distracts him from his somewhat poetic yet depressive thoughts and Lucifer turns slightly to peer over his shoulder. His older brother, the one whom had disappeared sometime after he'd gone and snuck into the Garden, was leaning up against the door frame, a dark eyebrow raised in concern.

"You okay little brother? You've been awfully quite today. Anything you want to do?"

His blonde head shakes in the negative and attempts to turn and look back out the window, he stops immediately as a hand grabs his wrist gently.

"Can I see baby brother? To be sure that they have healed?"

Lucifer nods, silently as ever, looking down too. He wants to see too, see his failure staring him right in the face. The one thing he should have gotten right and yet continued on his ever failing path.

Michael smiles at him encouragingly, turning his wrists over, and looking down with those beautiful blue eyes of his.

The scars were ugly though, and stuck out red hot against his pale skin, an ugly reminder of the monster he was.

"Do you think you'll want to try and come down today?"

It had been nearly a month since he was brought back here, half dead and both wrists covered in swaths of bandages, his brothers looking at him like he was some sort of freak.

Michael had swooped in and taken charge almost immediately.

Escorting him upstairs and to this room. Dad had done a lot of fixing and so he had been happy because he had been real sleepy afterwards. He'd been tucked in like some little fledgling all nice and warm like.

Lucifer shrugged once.

"Well, there's no pressure, you do what you're comfortable doing, no rush at all."

Rubbing a thumb over his brothers light bandages, Michael gave a soft look, "Why don't you try and take another nap?"

Another shrug, "I'm not tired anymore."

His older brother gave him another soft smile, guiding him back into the blankets anyways, Michael settled up next to him this time though and Lucifer looked up at him curiously. This was not like the other times his older brother came up to check on him and his bandages.

"Come now and settle down with me, I'll tell you a story, and we can both take a rest."

"But"

"Shush now, big brother is telling you a story, do you not wish to hear one?"

Lucifer shut his mouth with a soft pop and burrowed into his brother's warm side. The elder smiled down at him, kissing his nose softly, and rested their heads together.

"Alright, now where to begin, long ago.."

 **...**

He's having a bad day today, not a good one like last week, the only improvement is that he's become more vocal and even that had a darkened side to it.

His tantrums were immediate and violent. There was no winding up period, no warning. They were full force from the very start like a bomb with no fuse, just an immediate explosion that lasted and lasted. But unlike such a blast he could go on for some time, sustained in his rage. Then afterward he would justify it, excuse it and generally blame it on everyone else. And so he went on his whole life, never learning, never cooling down, always just one more brawl away from more jail time.

Lucifer had broken many a frame and cup in his fits, throwing them at everything and anything.

He liked to play with the broken pieces, the blood he'd use to write on the walls, and the _pretty pretty_ words that he carved into his pristine skin, perfect canvas in his opinion, right below the zig-zaging scars reaching half an inch down from his wrist, they usually just locked the door and left him to rage on his own.

Just like they had with the cage.

But not today, the door opened this time, Raphael and Gabriel peering inside at their _'poor broken brother'_ and Michael strode in with purpose taking charge like he always did these days. Lucifer glared at him challengingly and his brother returned his glare wholeheartedly.

"You settle down now Lucifer and turn your pale behind back around and sit on the end of that bed or so help me."

The threat was left hanging in the open but he knew, he knew that it would end no good for him and him alone. Blue eyes stared ahead at their darker counterparts and held the gaze. Michael pointed a stern finger at the bed.

"Go."

Eyes went wide at the tone, finally sinking in and he backtracked hard, hitting the end of the bed with his knees and sending himself tumbling back over onto it. Michael turned quickly, stiffly, to the two in the door way and flicked his hand towards the bed.

"Get. You two too. Bed. Now."

Raphael and Gabriel exchanged looks before creeping around their annoyed brother and sitting awkwardly on the other side as far from Lucifer as they could. Michael heaved a sigh in an attempt to gain back some of that everlasting patience he was seemingly known for as he bent to pick up the broken things from the floor. Depositing them in a waste bin placed precisely so outside of Lucifer's bedroom door, he swiped up a thing of rubbing alcohol and bandages.

Lucifer eye'd the bottle wearily, he knew that stuff burned and he didn't like it, cuts sure but that stuff? Big N.O.

"Micha that stuff hurts!"

"I know. Hopefully this will teach you to quell these tantrums of yours. Now give me your hands."

He whined but did as he was told, especially seeing as the mood his brother was in at the moment, it would not be in his best interest. The only positive was that he was at least gentle about it. Cleaning the wounds up and bandaging them too.

"M'sorry Micha."

"About what little brother?"

Lucifer was watching him as he worked to disinfect the cuts on his hands, but Michael managed to look up slightly.

"That I made you mad...I didn't mean to...I'm just..."

"It's not you Luci, and I'm not mad, it's just that I am so worried that I won't come check on you in time and something will happen."

"But you're not mad?"

"No little brother, I promise I'm not mad at you."

Then he turned to command them all.

"Raphael, in front of Lucifer, wings out."

Gabriel looked smug, and then, "Gabriel, you too, wings out for Raphael."

Fingers brushed over Lucifer's shoulder blades and pushed at the joint. Wings came forth, from the pocket all angels kept them in, and he sighed at the feeling of fingers sifting through the feathers.

He sifted his fingers almost tentatively through his brothers feathers, thunder gray and electric blue, they ripple under his touch and he smiles at the sight. Its so surreal that he's getting such an honor that he doesn't notice the actual tension in his brothers wing. Michael does though and he kicks the younger in the butt, its a forced relaxed but it works as planned.

Lucifer's smiling and that's all that matters at the moment.

Gabriel's talking a mile a minute to the Healer and its clear that the blonde is only half listening still mesmerized at the aspect of getting to touch anothers wings. Its a privilege only allowed to a certain few and Lucifer had most such a thing when he had fallen.

Raphael's replies are soft but audible and Michael himself smiles at what is said in reply to the joke Gabriel had just tried to pass over to them.

"Ouch! Lucifer! You com-!"

"Raphael!"

But the deed is done. Lucifer's gone completely tense, his face pale, blue eyes watering, and his hands are starting to shake. Sometimes in these moments its easy to forget the fact that he is the older one and the other the younger.

Michael looks between the two of them, Gabriel fallen silent as the air fills with that uncomfortable feeling that had made it near impossible for the younger two to have any desire to come up here in the first place.

He looks down at his hands, still buried under the soft silk-like feathers of his little brothers precious rose-gold wings.

They had been making such progress too!

This is a situation that needs a quick fix before they leave and Lucifer itches for something he shouldn't.

Michael takes a chance, a long shot, but he needs to quick or everything is going to fall apart again.

The younger archangel straightens and falls back in a fit of giggles, wiggling and smiling despite himself and he falls back into Michael's lap. His older brother smiles down at him softly and moves to scratch a few fingers behind his ear. Lucifer scrunches up adorably and giggles even more.

Below them, Michael catches sight of the two briefly, quick in turning his attention back to his needy little brother giggling brightly in his lap. Raphael shares a look with Gabriel and they both crack a smile as they reach for the foot sitting beside them.

Toe tickles and bright happy giggles take over the situation that could have taken a much darker turn.

It's going to take them a while to get their Light bringer to shine as bright as he once had, but Michael's sure they can make the time.

* * *

 **This was such a hard piece to write, for myself personally because of the problems Lucifer has to face, I've been in his shoes and just felt so bad for him!**


End file.
